5QF - October 1 Edition!

[Virtual Jarmo]

1. You've just transferred to a new job and you transferred because you received a promotion. It's with the same company, but you're in a new office in a new city. You're only within an hour of your old locale, so last night, you went out to your traditional Sunday afternoon football watching with some buddies. Wings and beer are a tremendous combination, along with early morning kegs and eggs and lots of football.

The next day, your first day on the job, you are getting acquainted with the employees and feeling the place out. Your boss invites you to lunch and he's craving Mexican. So he takes you to a nearby Mexican restaurant. You get back to the office and realize that the building designer had seemingly no thought process in mind when designing the location of the bathroom relative to everyone's desks. You have to take a shit that would sink a Carnival cruise ship. But, with the proximity of the bathroom and the desks, there are no secrets about who is going to do their business.

Your wife just called to tell you to pick up 18 eggs on the way home. She's hosting a house-warming party for the neighbors because she moved in a week ago while you finished up things at the old job and played out the lease at your old place. You aren't familiar with the bathroom or the ventilation at the new place.

So now you've got a dilemma. Do you risk becoming "that guy" at work who takes such violent, horrifying, projectile-vomiting inducing shits or, do you patiently wait another three hours until you get off work, go to the store, and then head home, desperately hoping that the noxious fumes don't knock your guests unconscious?

2. You have a good relationship going with a pretty, girl-next-door type, co-worker of yours. She's fun, playful, tremendously imaginative in the bedroom, has no issues with you going out with the guys to the bar or to play hockey or whatever. It's been about 4 months and things are progressing excellently. Surprisingly, you've begun to look at your collective finances and start looking for a bigger apartment to give living together a try.

It's a Tuesday morning and you're flying cross-country on business. About 45 minutes in to the trip, the gorgeous girl you met at the bar while enjoying an early morning screwdriver (vodka and orange juice for those unaware) begins giving you signals. You had a cordial chat, a bit of harmless flirtation, but nothing over the top. Now, she seems to be ramping it up a bit.

She leans in close and whispers "I'm going to the bathroom, care to join me?" At this point, you're stunned. She's petite, probably 5'2" 105 lbs, so it's definitely a possibility. You glance at your phone and notice an "I can't wait to see you when you get back! xoxo lol" text from your girlfriend.

Do you take the golden opportunity to join the Mile High Club or does the potential guilt prevent you from messing up things with your woman?

3. It's a hot spring day and you're in Tulsa, Oklahoma for a charity benefit. The benefit is at the home of a very well-known entrepreneur and his home is gorgeous. Off in the distance, dark clouds are clearly visible and the winds are beginning to swirl a little bit.

Some of the party-goers dart for the covered patio, but you're intrigued. You aren't from this area and you've heard all the stories about Tornado Alley and want to watch for yourself. Lightning strikes and thunder crashes every few seconds and the weather is getting violent. Heavy rain begins falling and quarter-sized hail starts to drop.

Your phone is capable of taking video, but your hands are shaking because it feels like the world is ending. The air begins swirling more violently and the rain is obstructing your view. Glancing behind you, you notice that most everybody has gone into the house.

You start to hear a train-like roaring sound. It sounds distant, but the rain is blinding and you can't be sure. What do you do?

4. You're out at a dinner meeting with a potential client. You are the head of your sales department and you've brought along your two best sales reps. The restaurant provides free bread when they bring out your salad. One of your sales reps is mixing up his salad on the plate and gets some dressing on his finger. He sucks the dressing off and then sorts through the bread basket for a piece to his liking.

You are not the only one who notices. The potential client appears disgusted. The sales rep who committed the faux pas is highly sensitive to criticism, but somehow excellent at his job.

How do you handle the situation?

5. You're walking through Target one day and notice your best friend's son going through the aisles and knocking products down. Your best friend is the kind of guy who never finds fault with his children and is very defensive about their behavior. You get a couple aisles over and hear glass shatter all over the floor. You speed over there to make sure that the kid is ok, and you see him standing there laughing before he sprints away.

Do you tell the kid to stop, alert employees to tell your best friend, or do you just leave it alone?

[Commish Bub(NYR)]

1. When you gotta go, you gotta go. Jobs and co-workers will come and go, but your relationship with your guts is for life.

2. You man up and say no thanks.

3. If you're lucky, die quickly.

4. Grab the bread basket yourself and then FUMBLE! onto the floor. Apologize profusely and try to catch the client's eye.

5. TELL EVERYONE. Little Johnny needs to get his and right f'ing now.

[Penguin]

1. Just let it rip. A bathroom is there to fucking shit. If your new coworkers say something about it, go with humour and tell them you had too much wings last night.

2. Depends of my feelings for the girlfriend. If I really like her and care for her, I'd man up and say no, but I'd think about it and regret it for the rest of my life! We're all guys...

3. Run faster than Forrest Gump!

4. Tough one! 1-Let it go for now, not to make it ackward at the table. 2- Afterwards, apologize in shame to the client. 3-Tell him he's fucking dirty to do that in front of a client and to never do it again!

5. Grab little Johny by the neck and tell him to behave! I used to do that often when I was a kid and then I'd hide, so my mom bought this leash to put on my wrist.

[Parker]

1) This wasn't listed as an option for some reason, but I'd hit a Tim Horton's or a McDonald's or something on the way home from work and stink up THEIR bathroom. If that's not a viable option, I'd stay a couple minutes after everyone else went home for the day and drop the bomb then.

2) Cheating is cheating. I'd politely decline, but possibly try to come up with an excuse to exchange contact info with the hottie on a purely professional level. Just in case. For the record, I also wouldn't be involved with a co-worker... that's a recipe for disaster.

3) I don't feel any particular need to risk my life in order to see a tornado close up. I'd run for the basement.

4) I didn't think of this myself, but after reading Bub's answer I can't come up with any other ideas... that is one hell of an elegant way to handle the situation.

5) I'd leave it alone. I don't really like kids, and the badly-behaved ones make me want to wring their necks, so I'd do my best to avoid getting involved in a situation that could escalate to the point of criminal charges being laid. I'd also be bothered enough by the irresponsible parenting that I'd lose a lot of respect for the friend. To be honest, the kind of person who is that blind to their son's behavioral problems is someone I don't think I could be best friends with in the first place.

[Femur]

1. i've always had a talent for holding my bodily functions. discretion, baby

2. go for it...the one you're so in love with probably has one in her right now and is going through your checking account to see what you have...

3. try to recruit as many as you can and head down to the basement.

4. sensitive or not, you gotta point it out to people and discretely (there it is again) tell the perp...do it nice but do it

5. laugh at your friend. you don't know if he is a good parent or not (most likely he is good at some parts, not so good at others like most people), you just see a behavior. one thing i have learned is no matter how small or young, kids are people and they have their own brains and make their own decisions. they need to be guided yes, but there is no formula to making a perfect kid...you can supply the ingredients, but sometimes they don't make the soup...